Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
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The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Mistakes were made
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who wants to go expliring
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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
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HELP 😭
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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.