Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
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My favorite farside!!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Meow
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this