Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

*jazz hands*

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!