Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

some things should go without saying

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*