Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

I’m not proud

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.