@david8hughes

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

You Might Also Like

@yungchomsky

making all the guests at my party say how likely they are to recommend me to a friend

@LogicLaughs

I’m Not A People Person, Or A Morning Person, Or An Evening Person, Or A Going-Out Person, Or A Staying-In.. I’m Not Even Sure I’m A Person.

@MomofTeen

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

@murrman5

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

@Chumpstring

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

@SortaBad

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

@prufrockluvsong

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

@k_lli

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

@Contwixt

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

@sarcasticmommy4

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.