Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.