Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

I throw rocks from my glass horse.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter