Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Awwwww shit.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

my favorite gender

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.