Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.