@chopper4jk

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

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@Chumpstring

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

@LostFelicia

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

@NickSchug

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

@audipenny

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

@Ms612

Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.

@TweetsByKaylee

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots