@Chumpstring
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
@chopper4jk
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
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@Chumpstring
@LostFelicia
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
@NickSchug
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
@audipenny
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
@Reverend_Scott
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
@JoshMankiewicz
@Tobi_Is_Fab
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
@Ms612
Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.
@TweetsByKaylee
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots