Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now


[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!


I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.


I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.


The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?


Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks


Guys who say there’s a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.


if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up


Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.


“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.