@chopper4jk

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

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@Shenanigans_luv

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

@smithsara79

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

@capnwatsisname

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

@Tmoney68

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

@michaelianblack

The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?

@DeadLioness

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

@bornmiserable

Guys who say there’s a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.

@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@GingerHotDish

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.