Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Anyone want a chair?
S/o to @funTweeters .
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Note to self: I am a note
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.