Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts