Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
You Might Also Like
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
the Monday after daylight savings
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.