Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.