Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.