[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
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Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
So we got a goldfish…
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
peeping toms
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.