[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
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MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
kitchen magnet
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime