Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

can’t believe I got front row seats

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.