Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

just gave your address to some spiders

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.