*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks