Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!