Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

life finds a way

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

This guy gets it.

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*