Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.