Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
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Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.