Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
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a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.