Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
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Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
my dad when a sex scene comes on