Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

“TGIM!” – My liver

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea