Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it