Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

DOOO EEEET

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

can’t bark with your mouth full

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”