Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Yup

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.