Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.