Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.