Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Bringing home a sharpie

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.