Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.