Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

FINE, I WON’T.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Good morning ☺️

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?