{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
You Might Also Like
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR