{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
meow
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”