Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball