Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
“I FIXED IT!”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Hero horse inspires millions
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen