Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

every college guy’s fridge

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.