*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
This is why I hate group projects
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
