*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
“I FIXED IT!”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
