*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
