*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
