Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
barbara was highly relatable
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
normalize having existential bread
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”