Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.