Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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not to brag, but mine was free
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.