Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I’m awake but I object,
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.