Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.