Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

ew if literal: let me be clear

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”