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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
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[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”