Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

Me in tagged photos

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.