texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
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Goat cheese is for herders.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy