Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Seems kinda suspicious

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

If you breakdance you buy dance.

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect