texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
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In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.