Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.