Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

We need to put an American base on the sun

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

Smile they said.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

My diet starts in January

of 2027