Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

my favorite genre of twitter

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice