Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
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One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
What?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.