Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.