interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
You Might Also Like
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO