Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

At an art museum and I thought this was art

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”