[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Beware of the dog..
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!