[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I found your tweet-up…
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7