Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

We like the way Dwight thinks

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you