Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

making my dog give me my pills

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”