[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president