[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw