Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

Spotted in New Orleans.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.