Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

👀

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

Do one person every day that scares you.

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????