Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?